Not Funny

I used to have a student named Kyung Sik.  He was fond of saying "Not funny," mimicking a teacher I am sure.  Well the following three *posts* if they could be called that, caused me to laugh out loud.  I hope one or two or all of them will do the same for you.  A good laugh counts for a lot. [Disclaimer: These first two come from the cheeky Shanghai community-ish website 'smartshanghai' - I had nothing to do with their composition. I am shamelessly ripping these off and reposting them here. The last comes from]

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"

Only one word leapt to mind ... my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him.

Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Ah. Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Hey Shanghai,

Whenever I'm stopped on the streets, the thing I get more than anything is, "Oh Admiral, Admiral... you're so knowledgeable and good looking and insightful about Shanghai life and society -- I bet you speak perfect Mandarin!"

My friends, I'll let you in on a little secret:

The opposite couldn't be more true! I don't speak Chinese for shit!

And then it occurred to me... Why don't I take my eight-years-plus experience in not speaking Chinese and share it with others? For money?
So I'm opening a Mandarin Un-Learning School.

As a sort of compliment to "Mandarin Garden" or whatever it is, I'm calling it "Da Admiral's Mandarin Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland" and we're accepting students at all skill levels, whether you want us to rip perfect fluency in Chinese from your brain, or even if you're looking for something a little more part-time --maybe you'd just like to reduce your vocab a bit and un-learn a few key Chinese phrases -- we can help.

Here's the pitch:
"Through the sweat off his brow and sheer determination, Da Admiral has maintained a near perfect and unassailable wall of incommunicability with 99% of Chinese society. Dude is still pointing at shit on the menus like a nutsack who just got off the plane, like, yesterday.

And now he's willing to share his secrets with you.

For a small enrolment fee, you'll have access to our proven tools of whittling down knowledge of Chinese to basically nil. Whether you want to take a special, personal, one-on-one, 24 hour intensive course -- basically this involves about seven pounds of weed and the Complete Filmography of Nicolas Cage -- or are looking to un-learn Chinese in a group setting with our special "Dog Bloopers and Various Shit on the Internet" group classes, we'll have you not speaking Chinese in no time."

Are you a Mandarin un-learner on the go? Subscribe to our special Un-ChinesePod, which is basically just me screaming nonsensical phrases in made-up French to you, intermixed with the latest news on the Batman sequel. Mind-numbing stuff. Just try to retain knowledge after a few of these.

What I'm saying here is nothing about my time in Shanghai has been more rewarding -- more spiritually fulfilling -- than not learning Chinese, and I feel it's a duty at this point to share my non-knowledge with others for money.

I'm an educator at heart. I care about my students. They're like my family for money. And when we're in cabs together and I see them struggling with that last -- "Zho-gw-ai" or "Yoh-gw-ai" or "Ting" or whatever the fuck it is, I don't know, you know what I mean -- I feel like my job is done.

My job is done... and a tear comes to my eye.
This weekend I recommend events that allow you to step back inside the box, not experience new cultures, and make yourself a worse person. You'll thank me for it.

Kickin' in the front seat, kickin' in the back seat,

Da Admiral

Quote of the Week: "I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it." - Anonymous
This one is another proudly ripped link.  It comes with its own disclaimer:
Warning: this article contains inappropriate and, frankly, immature euphemisms and innuendo. It should not be read by anyone. You've been warned.

Sweet, Sweet Love Hotel by Dennis Ming Nichols

Happy Friday everyone!


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